veto power in Poly relationships
I was listening to a podcast this morning by Poly Weekly called When your partner is dating a drama queen. The podcast discusses a polyamorous couple and their agreement on their primary right to practice the veto power over their partner’s partner. The veto power in poly relationships can cause a lot of tension and stress. Since day one of my journey into poly dating, relationship hierarchy and veto power have both been major concerns of mine.
Vee’s & T’s
Some three person poly relationships have metamours. A metamour is your partner’s partner. This kind of three person relationship would be considered a Vee. Polyamorous vee relationships are different from our poly triad relationship. Vee poly relationships consist of three people like triads but your partners aren’t romantically involved with each other. In a triad relationship all three are romantically involved with each other. Like my triad relationship with Brain and Liz.
Both types of poly relationships, vees and triads, might have primary/secondary relationships when you are involved with partners that have been with each other for some time. Especially with being in a triad relationship where Brian and Liz have twenty years together prior to me. Twenty years together makes it kind of hard not to have some primary/secondary hierarchy.
Don’t get me wrong. Compersion is still completely present. I love how they love each other in such a rare and beautiful way. I just don’t like the feeling of being so removable from the equation.
My relationship with them is new. We are learning what works and establishing boundaries. Their’s has the roots of a Cali Redwood tree, completely beautiful and firmly planted. I am still processing it all and figuring out my place. My place with her, my place with him, and my place with them. I like security. I like knowing I have a place. So them having veto power can be extremely intimidating for me.
Today a fear of mine resurfaced, maybe it’s an insecurity. The fear of not having a steady foundation, being removable, having weak roots. The dreaded veto power that can arise with primary/secondary relationship hierarchy. I say dreaded because I am on the non-deciding side of this veto gavel. I’m sure it feels a little more reassuring to be the one with the veto power. That would mean I had firmly planted roots. In terms of stability and relationship equality, the veto power feels a little more like someone planted a Charlie Brown Christmas tree beside the two cali redwoods. There’s a slight difference. Poor Charlie Brown.
The podcast just made me thing about things that hadn’t really crossed my mind before. Which is a good thing. Scary but good. Especially since we have kids. I don’t want our place in their life to be considered secondary. I don’t want it to come down to a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. The veto power seems to create separation within a polyamorous couple before there’s even a call to action. Or maybe I am just being a drama queen.
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