http://www.tripolypearl.com/our-poly-relationship/

Our Poly Relationship

 Before Us

Before our poly relationship, I made a trip up here. When I was 12 or 13, I can’t remember when exactly, I went to Indiana with my family for Thunder over Louisville. I loved it then too. There’s something about Indiana.

Sixteen years later I am now officially a resident of Indiana. I came up here a few months ago to meet Brian and Liz. I talk about it in my other blog poly blog posts. When I would come see them at the beginning of our poly relationship.

Homesick

Now I don’t even know how many times I have driven here or there. What once felt like a long ass drive is now a drive back home to visit. The drive gets shorter but I always stay too long. Really.. I like it here when I’m not homesick but I have never been this far away from my family. Some days it’s really hard. Typing it is even hard. It makes the knots form in my throat and fighting back the tears gives me a headache.

The Ups

I didn’t just fall for two people when I came up here. I fell in love with the city too. It’s not really the safest but it’s fucking beautiful. So, when my kids wanted to move here I was all for it.

They had a blast when I would bring them to visit. They even loved Brian and Liz too. So we started planning. I would search for houses and Brian and Liz would go check them out for me. They were more than helpful with it all.

Culture Shock

Things between me, Brian, and Liz aren’t what we had planned but they aren’t completely out of my plans yet. They have only ever known love and I don’t know how to love. So when I came up here things got a little rocky. Coming from a town that’s unincorporated and doesn’t have a single red light to here was a little bit of a culture shock.

The Downs

I didn’t know which way was which and I started to suffocate. I was spread too thin. They weren’t really suffocating me, it was everything. Moving two states away with two kids, trying to make a house a home, still give my kids a fun summer break, and make sure I didn’t neglect our poly relationship.

I was struggling. Constantly forcing myself to smile for my children, and make sure everyone got the attention they deserved. At times I had to fight the urge to cry because I was so homesick. There was too much pressure.

Our Poly Relationship

I moved knowing that we would all be closer together but I mainly moved so my children would have a better life. In a town with no red lights there’s not really too much for them to do for fun. Here there is something new everyday.

I don’t know what the future holds for the three of us or if our poly relationship will ever be mended. Only time will tell. Poly relationships aren’t easy and they take a lot of work. A triad is basically four relationships between three people. Seems like a lot when you think about it.

Regardless, I am still happy that I met them. I am happy to say we shared the things we have shared and I learned so much from them. It’s not often you see two people love each other the way that they do. Forever is rare and to them it comes natural.

Our Polyamorous Triad

Polyamorous relationships are still new to a lot of people. Most people outside of the poly community  don’t understand what it really means. Like monogamous ones, our polyamorous relationship has boundaries and expectations that partners will stay honest to their commitments.

Every relationship has boundaries. No one said they all have to be the same. It’s just whatever works for you and the ones you love. There’s really no perfect ‘how to’ reference on how to model any relationship.

I don’t think it’s possible to go through life and never feel the slightest bit of jealousy. Even if you’re not a “jealous person” its still bound to happen at some point in your life. Even on some subconscious  level.

But what about in a triad poly relationship? Not in the relationship but outside of it. Is that okay? Feels like a contradiction.

Brian and I have called each other out on it twice already. I don’t even remember the topic we were on when it happened but it is a little confusing to me. I mean this is my first poly relationship.

I’ve never thought much about jealousy unless someone was outrageously jealous. I mean come on… in monogamous relationships you sort of expect your partner not to show certain levels of affection to other ppl. Hints the monogamous part, it still astonishes some people. So if someone is getting jealous about their partner’s ‘not so committed actions’ it’s not really a thing you have to stop and question yourself about.

I’m sure someone will read this and say but how can you be jealous when you’re in a poly relationship?

Yes, I’m in a polyamorous relationship. Our’s is a triad relationship not open polyamorous relationship, they are different. I don’t feel any jealousy between the three of us at all.

Some people date openly, some people date separately, and some date other people together. Sure that’s true for us too but within the three of us. This triad is also long distance and I can only visit for a limited amount of time when I do go so right now it is mostly the three of us. Once circumstances change we will do more stuff separately.

I just don’t think I could handle adding people into this relationship. Dating others others outside of the three of us seems so different than what we have. Like these are my people, two of my favorite at that, and I don’t want to share. We are human and damn it we feel shit we have no control over. These emotions also feel like I’m contradicting myself. Maybe it only makes sense because Brian has spoken in his ‘not so jealous’ voice a time or two also. So I don’t feel so bad about it when I do it.

Yes our polyamorous relationship is a triad. That doesn’t mean we can’t have boundaries and commitments that we deem suitable for our relationship. Some people can handle open polyamorous and I’m not saying I can’t or that I see anything wrong with it. I’m just saying… My ‘not so jealous’ subconscious feels like it might not be comfortable having that sort of polyamorous relationship.

Featured

Poly Dating

Poly Dating

Poly dating is by far the best dating experience I have ever had. Having such an amazing experience with poly dating is mostly due to how absolutely fucking amazing Brian and Liz both are.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory

Both individually and their strengths as a couple with 20 years under them. The two of them have been so understanding and accommodating to me with this being my first poly relationship. It’s not their first experience with poly dating. It is still a learning experience for all three of us to see what works for everyone. Every relationship is different.

Monogamy

Poly dating has been completely different from any relationship or dating experience I have had before. I mean yeah obviously because they were all ‘monogamous’ but for other reasons than just that.

Before my journey started with poly dating I had never thought to stop and read a book on monogamous dating or ask different questions about the other person’s dating expectations before any sort of relationship had even really started. I just kind of went with the flow, almost always choosing what seemed to be the shittiest person that was sort of available, had a little bit of fun and then started the search over again.

But my experience with polyamorous dating has been so different. It has been better than any experience I have ever had and one that is a constant journey full of learning and self enlightenment. The relationships seem more supportive and couple eager to learn together.

 Poly Olive

The poly community has so many people who are willing to take the time to learn about what it really means to be in a polyamorous relationship. People want to learn what works and doesn’t work.  Maybe that’s one reason why my past relationships never worked. So many of them did not know what the term ‘monogamous’ meant…

Poly dating is not a ‘new thing’ but it’s still not perceived in a positive light by a majority of the population. It’s like when Olive first meets Elizabeth and William and she’s reserved at first. Then this happens and she wears that outfit with those accessories. Next thing we know there’s this confident Olive and her polyamorous lovers.

First Impressions

When I first met Liz I was a little sad when she told me she was married. This is only because of the online dating world’s over population in people who are only seeking a threesome. I’m talking about those people that approach you like you are a shelved sex toy waiting to be tossed back and forth between a husband and a wife twice your age. It even took me a few days to reply and actually have a conversation about what she was wanting. To think that I almost missed this chance… wow… let’s not even.

I have talked to both of them everyday since that night and can’t imagine a day without either one of them. I have said it before but these two really are perfect. Not perfect because they are flawless but like they were made to be a set of three and we have all been looking for each other in the wrong people. To meet two people equally intelligent, funny, and sexually adventurous is the most exciting and relaxing feeling I have ever experienced.

Poly Olive

They give me so much to look forward to. I love that both of them are so willing to learn and grow together as this companionship progresses. So many relationships fail because people get stuck in their ways and refuse to make changes that are sometimes necessary in relationships.

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory

To have people who love you in such a beautiful way and also want to help you grow mentally and grow with you is astounding. We are always sharing something with each other that we thought was notable from a book or online article poly dating. That’s one of my favorite things about them.

The past couple days I have had people messaging me about our relationship and saying such positive things. To have a person say our journey has given them hope is inspiring and makes my heart happier than I can put into words.

It’s Never The Right Time

The world looks different at times. It looks different when you’re about to lose the person you love most. The one truly good person you have ever known. It’s never the right time.

It’s like living in a parallel universe.

Time moves too fast because you want more of it with them. You don’t want them to go.  Pain seems to slow time down, drag it out, make it creep along. I see her hurting so much that it is painful to watch in the sense that every ounce of me wants to hurt for her, take the pain so they don’t have to feel it. But I can’t. 

It’s crazy how much has happened this week that was happening a year ago. A year ago doctor’s said she had two months to live.

She is SO strong.

Even on her most painful days, she is still making jokes, trying to make everyone smile. I get my sense of humor from her, she is hilarious.

I look at her as the knots build in my throat to the point that it hurts to breathe and she says “what’s wrong baby”. We both know. Instead of talking about it I just lay down beside her in her hospital bed and watch trashy cable tv.

My children love her so beautifully.

My daughter comes in the door, goes straight to her for a kiss and a “hey Felicia“. Nanny always gets so tickled and responds with a “hey Felicia” and giggles every time. My son always asks to stop and pick a flower on the way to her house. He walks in after Felicia and gives Nanny the flower he picked, hugging her and telling her how pretty she looks that day.

The knots fill my throat like it’s the first time all over again.

This is something he wants to do to show his love for her, his own idea. At eight years old he has seen the way the chemo has stolen the physical identity that was his grandmother. So he reminds her that she is still that same beautiful woman we all love so dearly. She smiles every time.

As soon as they turn around to sit by her bed to watch tv with her you can see the worry in her eyes again. She has never shown fear in front of any of us. Between her kids and grandchildren there’s almost 90 of us, maybe more. Who knows what some of us have done.

In a parallel universe she would leave differently.  Probably while she was sleeping, slipping away in the middle of the night, painlessly.

Can I call you?

I am so tired of people and their negative mindsets. It’s exhausting.

I cannot understand why it is so wrong for me to want changes and to want to do something to make those changes happen. I’m only one person not a genie and while I might not make a huge difference in comparison to the problem the effort of more people would. If you have the chance to keep bad shit from happening to you, the next person, or numerous people, would you not do something about it?

I know some things cant be prevented because there will always be those people who are just pure shit and don’t give a fuck about hurting others. Why not do something to help reduce the chances of that happening though? We can’t breed the evil out of people but they can be held accountable.

When I say something about change I always get the response like “that’s just the way things are” or “you should focus on your own life, that’s not our responsibility”.  I can either do something positive and hope to plant seeds of change or throw my hands up and do nothing, either way there is a ripple effect.

Things are so fucked because no one is made to take responsibility and hardly anyone cares enough to make shit happen. Yes, there are more people demanding change now than ever before but it seems more secluded than widespread. Twice I have had cops tell me that “there’s two sides to every story” and “he said he didn’t do it”.  Isn’t that what all criminals say? Jackass made it clear that only one mattered and it wasn’t mine

After what happened a year ago and the way it was handled I decided I wanted to become a lawyer instead of getting my PhD in English. But here lately I have started to question my future plans of Law School. After a second incident and again cops that did nothing,  I started to wonder what is the point in going to school to become a lawyer and spend my life fighting to help victims get the justice they deserve if the system will never allow it.

Not only would I be fighting a constant losing battle in a system originally constructed for justice, but I would also never be a successful lawyer regardless of how good I actually was.

I would so be good.

But second guessing my plans is unfair. I’m not expecting everyone to agree with the changes I hope for and I’m not saying anyone has to fight for them with me. But it could be handled so much differently than it is now. I want to see changes that will reduce the rate of sexual assault cases and changes to the way they are handled by the justice system.

It seems like the first step might be to reevaluate the people I surround myself with by starting with those that have to vocalize how ridiculous they think it all is. These are the ones that don’t see the power of each person’s effort and how it all can lead to change. These people also don’t see how their “that’s just the way things are” attitude is keeping these changes from happening.

The first blog I saw this morning was someone who was giving up and wanted to kill himself. I immediately commented on it along with so many others.  I could have kept scrolling cause honestly I don’t know the person and don’t get on here much so I wouldn’t have known either way. The result would have no effect on me, but if everyone kept scrolling and said nothing…

But me not knowing him didn’t stop me from commenting because when something bad is about to happen you do what you can to prevent it no matter how small the effort might seem to others.

I don’t know you but I’m glad you’re still here.

Stuck On Replay

It’s like my life is stuck on replay.This nightmare that I keep having. Only it’s not a nightmare because I’m not asleep and the douche bags are actual men.

Douche Numero Uno

Almost a year ago today I was sexually assaulted by someone I trusted. Someone I valued as a friend and fellow scholar. The first person I wanted to call was Mr. International but I didn’t. I cried, asked why, put my uniform on and went to work. My boss was a 24-year-old douche bag with a stuttering problem that made him sound like he was always deep throating something. He didn’t like me because I would tell him no instead of doing exactly what the little prick said.

My ability to say no is the same reason my ex said he assaulted me. Because to him, like the 24-year-old deep throating manager, being a female meant that you should do as you’re told.

So, I sent a message to Mr. International once I got to work. I worked a double that day to avoid reality.

When I left for work that morning, the ex was exhausted and sleeping like a baby; being a narcissistic, chauvinist asshole coupled with being a rapist can take a lot out of someone…

Fast forward a year later, I have met some really great people, a couple to be exactly. They are genuinely good people and absolutely perfect in my eyes because of the similarities. I also think they are a little crazy because they think the same about me but that doesn’t keep the smiles at bay.

Fast Forward

Things have been getting better. I have even been sleeping better at night if I don’t stay up talking to him all night, she goes to bed earlier than us. I’m usually not much for talking on the phone but can talk to him for hours. We talk a lot about how insanely adorable she is, I’m getting off track, point is things have been better, finally.

Today, three days before the year mark of what my shit bag ex considers a life lesson, I had a stranger open the door to my bathroom as I was getting in the shower. Not a complete stranger in the sense that he works for the state as a housing inspector and has a key to all of the apartments. So, again, there was a certain level of trust because his job is to check the condition of the apartment, the foundation itself and check for needed repairs. His job involves a levels of trust when given the role and a key to numerous apartments.

Douche Numero Dos

His job requirements don’t involve him to go in unannounced and cause the tenant physical and emotional harm, helping himself to her body.  I mean, the state of Tennessee has determined him fit for entering a tenant’s residence to inspect and ensure safe living conditions. No one wants to feel unsafe in their home.

I had just started the shower to get the water hot and was brushing my teeth when the door started moving. There is not a lock on my bathroom door but there is one on the front door of my apartment. I didn’t give him permission to come in and never invited him in. To him, he didn’t need permission to enter and to both of us, I was home alone.

The way he was trying to creep his head in the doorway told me this was not the first time he did something like this. The douche fully expected me to be in the shower. I should have slammed his demented head in the door. But, that would “technically” be me causing physical harm.

So here it is, again. My life stuck on replay. All these emotions coming back I had a year ago. Mostly anger over the lack of justice.

Stuck On Replay

Just like my ex, he entered uninvited. I called housing authority immediately. They replied like my old employer saying they would “see what they could do for me”. Basically telling me be a good girl and stay quiet while they figure out what their story will be. But they didn’t mention doing something about him and what he had done.

I also called the cops and thanks to our justice system’s extremely poor case handling when it comes to shit like this, crimes against women and their vagina, he did not even know what to tell me because there wasn’t any physical harm done. His hands were up in the air, go figure.  The cop could not even tell me what law had been broken since “he didn’t actually touch me”.  I am not even comfortable enough to let the person I date see me fully naked and since the State of Tennessee deems this perv bastard fit enough to have a key he “technically did not break in”.

There is always a reason they get away with it, a person that cranks or twists a law or two in favor of the perverted, a way to justify the lack of justice, a reason to continue treating women like weaker, inferior beings by completely disregarding a woman’s right to say who sees, touches, or enters her own body. But there is never anything done to him

Brian was the first person I called. Then, just like a year ago I text Mr. International crying about what had happened. But what would have happened if I was in the shower, if I didn’t see him opening the door, then what?

Did you say crypto?

Okay, so I lost my job back in June of last year. The dreadful 2017, so glad we got that behind us. Anyways, I was SUPER broke. I needed to focus on my health and my finances were shit which in turn only made my health worse. I was seriously applying to so many jobs that I had applications zooming all over the internet. I couldn’t keep track of what jobs I had applied to because I was applying to so many places.

Then, I started looking for ways to make money at home. I mean why not? I was already on my laptop 23/7, okay maybe not that much but you get the point. So since I was on the computer the majority of my waking hours I figured I might as well try to make money doing it.

Turns out there’s a ton of ways to make money from your laptop! BUT the majority of them let you get two-thirds of the way through the registration and BAM, they want a credit card number. Complete bs, you’ve hit a dead-end and have to start over.

Then a friend of mine from my baby-faced days started posting on Facebook about this cryptocurrency and how he’s just got the dough rolling in. So of course I was like sign me up!! The, me being me,  I asked a ton of questions… he responded with “do your research”. He wasn’t much help at all really but at he was being honest about his profits and it being a legitimate investment.

So once again, I thought why not? And I wiggled my toes in the digital currency waters.

I started with very small investments, three to be exact. That way I wouldn’t lose too much if it flopped or maybe dude was right and I would gain enough and end up investing larger amounts in the future. Either way it wasn’t a huge amount but I way too broke not to risk it.

I invested into bitcoin, ethereum, and litecoin…don’t ask details I’m no better at supplying you with what those words mean than friend. But I can say it is worth doing your research.  I wish I would have invested sooner.

Remember me saying I was broke? Yea well, it got worse. I had to pull two of my three investments. It was that or we didn’t eat and my amazing kids aren’t so nice when they are hangry. They get that from their mama.

Of course, within weeks ethereum and litecoin prices both started climbing. And which two investments did I take out you ask? You know it!!  I had taken out both of my ethereum and litecoin investments. Major facepalm!! But I didn’t have a choice.

A lot of people hear the word “crypto” and it puts up this mental shield. We are like noooope, not me, no crypto- here…thanks Super-Man. Or at least that’s what kept happening to me. But that guy from my other post with the smile that’s good with numbers… I shouldn’t have even brought that up. Now I’m off track.

Anyways, he helped me grasp a better understanding of what some of the words actually mean. He told me to completely erase that word “crypto” and focus on the idea of digital currency. He says it’s like sending an email instead of mailing a letter. He always breaks shit down into some easier picture for me like that and at the drop of a hat too.  It’s hot!

Where was I? Oh yea…he makes it easier to grasp. Instead of saying just making the investment for me he’s actually teaching me how the digital money world works, very small pieces at a time.

Now instead of wiggling my toes in the digital currency waters I want to dive off the diving board… but I can’t. I’m still sitting at the kiddy pool learning to doggy paddle. But point is that I’m eager to do more now that I have a better understanding of the basics, he tries to teach me more but I get to looking at that smile and swoon, I forget to listen every time.

You see all these pages and links advertising how someone wants to make investments for you or tell you to “do your research” and they all want to keep a percentage. But what do you do after that? How are you going to throw me in the deep end and not teach me to swim? Okay they make the initial investment but you’re left there to drown, just as clueless as before.

Do your research before hand. You don’t need to pay someone to tell you that, I just did it for free. And hey, if you still don’t get it I know a guy with an amazing smile and a great way of explaining things. And you don’t have to wait until you have a chunk of money to invest, there’s stuff you can do to earn free coins.

You will have to download Coinbase so that you can get paid and then download the coin spinner to start earning that free digital currency. Seriously, he is the one that downloaded the app for me and we both play it daily. Once you start that I will post more ways to earn free coins.

Happy Hump Day!

 

They Say It’s Always Darkest Before the Dawn…

I’m not sure what I am writing this for really, not this post. I just feel a need to let my thoughts pour out onto these keys because no one can hear the shit that goes through another person’s head but some how typing this makes it feel possible. Like someone is listening to the thoughts I can’t form into words or ever really find the right moment in a conversation to bring them up.

We hit hour 124 last night and I felt the need to write laying next to him and I should have, but I dozed off only to wake up shaking. These nightmares are starting to piss me off. Seemed like I was for hours, so much can happen in a dream compared to reality but I was only asleep for a few minutes.

Right now there’s a page from the book I am reading that stuck out to me the first time I flipped through the pages. It’s the whole reason I was so eager to read the book. Danielewski must have been predicting my future thoughts or something because the first page of the intro cannot in any way be more perfect:

I still get nightmares.    In fact I get them so often I should be used to them by now.    I’m not.   No one ever really gets used to nightmares… I’m so tired.   Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember.   Inevitable I suppose.    Sadly though, I’m not looking forward to the prospect.   I say ‘sadly’ because there was a time when I actually enjoyed sleeping.   In fact I did it all the time.

-Mark Danielewski’s House of Leaves

Have you ever just been so lost and alone that you feel like you’ll never find your way back to the light, to that happiness you once had? The happiness that you took for granted because you never even realized that you were “happy”.  That kind of darkness even makes the stars look different. I’ve developed an appreciation for the nights where the moon seems blown up. Those nights where it’s so beautiful that it illuminates the sky and the darkness doesn’t seem quite so bad. I have spent countless nights looking at the sky hoping that I wasn’t alone in a way but also wishing that this feeling wasn’t caused by something that happens so frequently.

Then right when the darkness had consumed my life and I am getting used to living there, he shows up. The days had become filled with darkness and nights were now my days, I had adjusted my life to accommodate the dark. He makes me want to go back to my old ways, the “normal” ones. When your up at night like the ones who work third shift jobs it feels like a whole other world. It’s a different life style. You sleep during the day, for the most part, you live a night, and know a completely different set of people. The ones that live in the dark rather than light. Some by choice, some not, and others out of fear to what will happen if they succumb to it.

Two nights ago he asked me my favorite color. When I told him my favorite color is black we went back and forth, him trying to prove it’s not an actually color and me validating my choice. Funny if you think about it. How darkness has consumed my life the past 364 days to the point that even my favorite color is now black. Just another word for dark.

So he asked my second favorite…red. Two colors that are usually combined to instil fear in people or depict something bad. That’s not why I like them, I don’t know why really. But I asked his… green and brown.

I find humor and comfort in what might seem like such a small detail to some people because it’s just our favorite colors. But when juxtapose them a small detail can represent so much. They can represent fear and comfort, the known and unknown, light and dark, death and rebirth, dusk and dawn.

Today he asked to stop by after work, only different because it was during the day.  I was going to ask if something was wrong because he usually comes over after he puts his daughter to sleep. Plus I usually ask him to come over and hope that he will want to even though he’s just left a few hours before that.

He walked in with that smile that makes my body quiver. He handed me flowers and a bottle of sparkling grape juice for my kids. The flowers are red and black. 

It was the perfect surprise at the perfect time!

It was a 1000 times better than anything any man has ever done for me. Not just because it was a surprise but he paid attention. He listens when I talk. He put thought into it. I mean he went the extra mile to find flowers my favorite color and he also thought of my kids in the process. He is everything I have never had, exactly what I needed, and at the perfect time. This year that has been filled with nothing but pain and darkness  is finally almost over. He is the dawn.

 

 

 

 

I was almost lost…

2017… it almost killed me. I almost gave up. There’s two days left, we hit the 100 hour mark and I am happier than I have been all year. I have smiled more in the last 100 hours than I have all year. I haven’t slept anymore than I usually do but the hours have passed too fast where they once crept.

I have been riding that euphoric high a person gives you when your soul connects with another. A mix between finally returning home after a horrible trip and the feeling in your gut once the roller-coaster makes that huge drop after climbing to the top of the tracks. Breathtakingly beautiful yet horrifying.

But I almost didn’t get home, I almost gave up.

I didn’t think I would make it to see the end of the year but I kept getting back up for my children. This was the worst year of my life but I couldn’t leave them. I have seen what it does to the ones that are left. I started to see it in their eyes, the depression and horrible shit I had been shielding them from was starting to become noticeable. They started asking me if I was okay and giving me extra kisses at bedtime.

That might all seem normal but a mother knows when her child becomes aware of something you try so hard to protect them from. Sometimes it happens no matter how hard we try. The world tends to seep through the cracks, stealing a tiny portion of our innocence each time.

I don’t have a New Year’s resolution. I just want to have more better days in 2018. More days spent in the sunshine with my children, I have spent 2017 in the dark. It was a melancholy year.

I want to ride this roller-coaster as long as I can and not worry about the what-ifs. I want my shoulders to bend when the world creeps in so I can allow more stuff to roll off, the weight of her hands can be so heavy. I want to be happy again, I am envious of the person I once was, before 2017.

It’s Dark Down Here, Alice.

Why is it so wrong to want change in a world that is constantly screaming for us to be that generation that makes a difference? They expect so much from us. Want so much from us. Except when it comes to actually screaming back, then we are rebellious.

They like us better silenced.

There’s only two days left in this godforsaken year of 2017 and I for one can’t wait for the freak show to end. On a previous post I said I should have never climbed into that back seat, I still feel that way, but ever since that my life has been one face plant after another.

No matter how hard I fought back or clawed my way out to finally be able to stand back up, the ground would crumble again. Each time I would cry a little harder and sleep a little less, my depression was slowly killing me and people automatically thought drugs but no. Drugs would have numbed me, relieved the pain but I couldn’t. I felt every painful second of this abysmal year.

It started with the rape. That word. No one likes that word. I usually say I was assaulted or sexually assaulted but that was the first time I said the actual word, well typed it. You know what I mean.

When I went to the police I understood why 80% of rape victims do the opposite, they stay silent. Only 20% actually ever go seek the help of law enforcement. As I am sitting there recounting every horrible second of that morning out loud, it was 4:05 a.m. when he finished, the investigator was apathetically writing away on his notepad.

The investigator never asked me if I was okay, he only asked me two questions. When I was done replaying that morning, I use that word hatefully because the only emotion the investigator displayed was the part where me being a victim made his microscopic man parts stand at attention, for him he asked me if “he came in me”. The second question was immediately after that when he asked me to proofread his report on what I was “claiming” so he said.

Alleging“, they always say that when someone has the strength to seek justice for what has been taken from them. It is never fully focused on justice for the victim. It’s always a victim has “allegedly” been raped and the focus is finding a way of proving the perpetrator’s not guilty. The victims are made out to be the guilty ones and the rapists become the victims. How dare a woman speak out and seek justice, apparently you’re not really supposed to listen to those help advertisements or believe that you’re entitled to saying who or what can enter your vagina, silly me (if you don’t sense the sarcasm in that then please take the nearest exit).

I have been called dumb for reporting it. I also have been asked why I waited to do so, I didn’t want people to act the exact way they have towards me. I have been harassed and slut shamed. I lost my job and had to withdrawal from school because of that sociopathic asshole. I have been told by law enforcement and a number of lawyers that our justice system does not give a fuck about rape victims. I was even told that if I only had more money I could get the justice I deserved. Guess my pussy doesn’t sit high enough on the social ladder to deserve justice.

Only one person in law enforcement exhibited empathy when he acknowledged the lack of justice there is for rape victims. He has become a valuable friend to me even though we have never met face-to-face. My other friends can’t talk about this, they can’t relate or don’t want to hear about it, it’s too depressing for them. I don’t recall how our friendship started but I am thankful for it, more than I can ever express.

The nightmares haunt me. Every time I sleep I’m facedown on his mattress again looking at that clock until it hits 4:05. I stay awake so my kids don’t hear me crying for help in my sleep. I don’t stay at anyone’s house because I’ve had people wake me up in a panic, they didn’t know what was wrong, I would be crying and screaming for help but stuck in my nightmare the whole time unable to wake up.

So I don’t sleep and my friend in law enforcement works third shift, maybe that’s why we get along, all the late night talks and games through text messaging help us both stay awake. He is there at night, his name on my phone, when I need it the most. He lets me know I’m not alone. He tells me to seek justice, to make a change, a difference yet he is the ONLY one.

Why is it treated like such a crime to want justice for rape victims? It’s treated like to talk about it, like it’s worse than the actual crime that was commited.