Our Polyamorous Triad

Polyamorous relationships are still new to a lot of people. Most people outside of the poly community  don’t understand what it really means. Like monogamous ones, our polyamorous relationship has boundaries and expectations that partners will stay honest to their commitments.

Every relationship has boundaries. No one said they all have to be the same. It’s just whatever works for you and the ones you love. There’s really no perfect ‘how to’ reference on how to model any relationship.

I don’t think it’s possible to go through life and never feel the slightest bit of jealousy. Even if you’re not a “jealous person” its still bound to happen at some point in your life. Even on some subconscious  level.

But what about in a triad poly relationship? Not in the relationship but outside of it. Is that okay? Feels like a contradiction.

Brian and I have called each other out on it twice already. I don’t even remember the topic we were on when it happened but it is a little confusing to me. I mean this is my first poly relationship.

I’ve never thought much about jealousy unless someone was outrageously jealous. I mean come on… in monogamous relationships you sort of expect your partner not to show certain levels of affection to other ppl. Hints the monogamous part, it still astonishes some people. So if someone is getting jealous about their partner’s ‘not so committed actions’ it’s not really a thing you have to stop and question yourself about.

I’m sure someone will read this and say but how can you be jealous when you’re in a poly relationship?

Yes, I’m in a polyamorous relationship. Our’s is a triad relationship not open polyamorous relationship, they are different. I don’t feel any jealousy between the three of us at all.

Some people date openly, some people date separately, and some date other people together. Sure that’s true for us too but within the three of us. This triad is also long distance and I can only visit for a limited amount of time when I do go so right now it is mostly the three of us. Once circumstances change we will do more stuff separately.

I just don’t think I could handle adding people into this relationship. Dating others others outside of the three of us seems so different than what we have. Like these are my people, two of my favorite at that, and I don’t want to share. We are human and damn it we feel shit we have no control over. These emotions also feel like I’m contradicting myself. Maybe it only makes sense because Brian has spoken in his ‘not so jealous’ voice a time or two also. So I don’t feel so bad about it when I do it.

Yes our polyamorous relationship is a triad. That doesn’t mean we can’t have boundaries and commitments that we deem suitable for our relationship. Some people can handle open polyamorous and I’m not saying I can’t or that I see anything wrong with it. I’m just saying… My ‘not so jealous’ subconscious feels like it might not be comfortable having that sort of polyamorous relationship.

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Poly Dating

Poly Dating

Poly dating is by far the best dating experience I have ever had. Having such an amazing experience with poly dating is mostly due to how absolutely fucking amazing Brian and Liz both are.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory

Both individually and their strengths as a couple with 20 years under them. The two of them have been so understanding and accommodating to me with this being my first poly relationship. It’s not their first experience with poly dating. It is still a learning experience for all three of us to see what works for everyone. Every relationship is different.

Monogamy

Poly dating has been completely different from any relationship or dating experience I have had before. I mean yeah obviously because they were all ‘monogamous’ but for other reasons than just that.

Before my journey started with poly dating I had never thought to stop and read a book on monogamous dating or ask different questions about the other person’s dating expectations before any sort of relationship had even really started. I just kind of went with the flow, almost always choosing what seemed to be the shittiest person that was sort of available, had a little bit of fun and then started the search over again.

But my experience with polyamorous dating has been so different. It has been better than any experience I have ever had and one that is a constant journey full of learning and self enlightenment. The relationships seem more supportive and couple eager to learn together.

 Poly Olive

The poly community has so many people who are willing to take the time to learn about what it really means to be in a polyamorous relationship. People want to learn what works and doesn’t work.  Maybe that’s one reason why my past relationships never worked. So many of them did not know what the term ‘monogamous’ meant…

Poly dating is not a ‘new thing’ but it’s still not perceived in a positive light by a majority of the population. It’s like when Olive first meets Elizabeth and William and she’s reserved at first. Then this happens and she wears that outfit with those accessories. Next thing we know there’s this confident Olive and her polyamorous lovers.

First Impressions

When I first met Liz I was a little sad when she told me she was married. This is only because of the online dating world’s over population in people who are only seeking a threesome. I’m talking about those people that approach you like you are a shelved sex toy waiting to be tossed back and forth between a husband and a wife twice your age. It even took me a few days to reply and actually have a conversation about what she was wanting. To think that I almost missed this chance… wow… let’s not even.

I have talked to both of them everyday since that night and can’t imagine a day without either one of them. I have said it before but these two really are perfect. Not perfect because they are flawless but like they were made to be a set of three and we have all been looking for each other in the wrong people. To meet two people equally intelligent, funny, and sexually adventurous is the most exciting and relaxing feeling I have ever experienced.

Poly Olive

They give me so much to look forward to. I love that both of them are so willing to learn and grow together as this companionship progresses. So many relationships fail because people get stuck in their ways and refuse to make changes that are sometimes necessary in relationships.

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory

To have people who love you in such a beautiful way and also want to help you grow mentally and grow with you is astounding. We are always sharing something with each other that we thought was notable from a book or online article poly dating. That’s one of my favorite things about them.

The past couple days I have had people messaging me about our relationship and saying such positive things. To have a person say our journey has given them hope is inspiring and makes my heart happier than I can put into words.

Along Came Poly

So I have always had this idea of what my future would be like. I’m talking about my ideal relationship. And for a long time I didn’t realize that my ideal future was poly. It really wasn’t until about a year ago that I learned about polyamorous relationships.

For me, my ideal relationship means waking up next to the loves of my life, two to be exact.

Sure, I have tried having monogamous relationships. I have dated women and men separately and I enjoyed it but there has always been something missing. I have always wanted something more. More passion, more sex, more conversation, more trust, more emotion, more of something.

Since as far back as I can remember I have always said I would love nothing more than to wake up with a man on one side and a woman on the other. And most people think threesome like my past relationships, no.

Before I even knew what polyamory was I wanted it. I wanted a companionship with both a man and woman who could equally love each other and me as much as I loved them.

Men and women love in very different ways. They have things the other doesn’t. I enjoy both and want both in my life. That’s why I say my ideal future is poly.

A polyamorous relationship provides a balance I want in life and out of love. It allows you to be loved in ways that only a man and only a woman are able to love, both with their unique qualities.

I have always wanted it and even tried to have this sort of companionship before in previous relationships but they were failed attempts or guys that just wanted to have a threesome. It has never been about that for me. I mean some people prefer the more open style dating, nothing wrong with that. Do you boo..

What I want for myself and my future is more than threesomes, hookups, or one-sided monogamy, meaningless dating. I want a companionship.

I met her online, something I never thought I would do because I am just way to shy and him not long after. They both are a shockingly amazing, brilliant, funny, sexy, and both fit the description I had for ideal partners. They are the love and balance I have always wanted.

I am going to see them this weekend and I am nervous as fuck but also can’t wait. Kind of thinking it’s going to be a long ass drive up there and then I’m going to be like of fuck I’m here and get nervous again. I am ready to be there though. I might not want to leave but they say that’s okay. They seem to be truly authentic people.

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It’s Never The Right Time

The world looks different at times. It looks different when you’re about to lose the person you love most. The one truly good person you have ever known. It’s never the right time.

It’s like living in a parallel universe.

Time moves too fast because you want more of it with them. You don’t want them to go.  Pain seems to slow time down, drag it out, make it creep along. I see her hurting so much that it is painful to watch in the sense that every ounce of me wants to hurt for her, take the pain so they don’t have to feel it. But I can’t. 

It’s crazy how much has happened this week that was happening a year ago. A year ago doctor’s said she had two months to live.

She is SO strong.

Even on her most painful days, she is still making jokes, trying to make everyone smile. I get my sense of humor from her, she is hilarious.

I look at her as the knots build in my throat to the point that it hurts to breathe and she says “what’s wrong baby”. We both know. Instead of talking about it I just lay down beside her in her hospital bed and watch trashy cable tv.

My children love her so beautifully.

My daughter comes in the door, goes straight to her for a kiss and a “hey Felicia“. Nanny always gets so tickled and responds with a “hey Felicia” and giggles every time. My son always asks to stop and pick a flower on the way to her house. He walks in after Felicia and gives Nanny the flower he picked, hugging her and telling her how pretty she looks that day.

The knots fill my throat like it’s the first time all over again.

This is something he wants to do to show his love for her, his own idea. At eight years old he has seen the way the chemo has stolen the physical identity that was his grandmother. So he reminds her that she is still that same beautiful woman we all love so dearly. She smiles every time.

As soon as they turn around to sit by her bed to watch tv with her you can see the worry in her eyes again. She has never shown fear in front of any of us. Between her kids and grandchildren there’s almost 90 of us, maybe more. Who knows what some of us have done.

In a parallel universe she would leave differently.  Probably while she was sleeping, slipping away in the middle of the night, painlessly.

Three guys walk into a bar

Okay it wasn’t a bar, it was my life. All three of them different in their own way but all the same, each flipping my life on its axis and walking away fully intact. Every time seemed like a new journey but it wasn’t, I only had a new passenger.

But that’s what dating is I guess, a routine thing. We meet someone, we smile, we laugh, we stick around, or we move on in search of our next passenger. It always hurts but we also alway heal.

Anyways, the three guys… I won’t include their names, two of them encouraged me to start this blog and the third doesn’t know about it. In fact, the only three people who know about my blog are three of my ex-boyfriends, that doesn’t mean they read it but I would like to think they can at least keep this between us.

If you have read any of my previous posts then you have read about two of the three already, one a businessman and the other a sheriff.

The “businessman” is the one I met in fourth grade… asshole came in class spouting off the answers to every math problem Mrs. Davidson put on the projector like he was some big shot. Then he did the same thing back in December when him and that smile of his walked in my apartment, only this time he had all the right answers and the problems were mine.

He was the person I could literally tell anything to and he wouldn’t judge me. He would correct me if I was wrong and said “hell yea” when I did something right. Not that hillbilly kind of hell yea but the kind that said “good fucking idea”, it meant a lot and still does, or would.

He tought me about crypto, the stock market, and we would bounce ideas off one another on ways to make money. He was encouraging, comforting, and there was a chemistry between us I have never felt before. He felt good, he felt scary, he felt like forever. Then he decided he loved his ex.

He said we will be friends but he lied, everyone says that. The rekindling of their relationship had unforeseen insecurities and trust issues that restrict his ability to be friends with me. I want to say I understand but I don’t. Maybe it’s a maturity thing or my ability to separate business from pleasure but not everyone can, that part I understand.

Then there was the sheriff, complete the opposite of the business man but equally smart. His body, his mind, and kind heart are enough to make any woman want forever with him. But also someone I could tell everything to.

After months of talking to this man at night and him being there every time I needed someone I had him on this pedestal. And I didn’t realize how much I liked him until the businessman tried to come back in my life. Apparently the ex wasn’t what he thought but my feelings for the sheriff were more than what I felt back in December, so I said no.

He went back to his ex, again, I stayed with the sheriff, they both turned us down. Go figure.

Right when I realized how much I cared for the sheriff he realized how much he didn’t care to be around me. Something had clicked and no matter what I did, I couldn’t change it. He said we would still be friends but we all know how that goes…

If I could change anything though I would change it all to be able to actually be friends with both of them. Drink beers with the businessman and yell at our computer screens as we watched the numbers go up and down on the exchange.

Or to be able sit and talk to the sheriff all night even if it meant we would never meet. Having someone you can count on is so much better and meaningful than a temporary fling where the person can’t stand to look at you. If it ever becomes too much though, missing her, let me know and I will bring the cookie dough.

I don’t know that it is a good thing, how the heart can heal over and over again. Because it can break just as quickly and there are too many people in this world for us to love just one.

Seems pointless now to tell you about third.

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What day is it again?

It’s never enough. No matter what you do there’s never enough time.

It’s like the older I get there’s seriously less time in the day. I get further into my education, there’s more homework, more pressure, more time focused on my studies when it’s needed elsewhere. I get further in my career but there’s more tasks to complete, more weight on my shoulders.

My kids move into the next grade level, there’s more homework and more after school dance rehearsals or sports to get to. Which also means more take out and less money, which leads to more late nights of my own homework and before I know it everything is piled up. Laundry, bills, unfinished tasks, messages and missed calls that never receive that response I meant to type or that call I forgot to make. Kind of like the blogs that never leave the boundaries of my mind only to be forgotten because I didn’t have time to write the moment the feeling hit me.

Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to co-parent. More now then before.

To be able to have that parenting partner I could ask to take the kids to a football practice or dance rehearsal so I can type that essay or study for that big final. I mean I know I’m not the only one but it’s lonely. Being the only parent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining nor am I looking for pity or pats on the back. I’m no damsel nor am I super woman. When I say it gets lonely I mean the nights that are longer than the days because I have so much to get done for the three of us. If I don’t no one will but there’s SO much to get done that I don’t know that o will ever get it all finished.

I don’t want to party or neglect my children in anyway, those two babies have taught me what it means to truly love another. I just want to read a book from beginning to end, maybe make it through a semester without stress crying, have someone that could pay attention to my kids or help them with homework when I can’t because I have to work or have a night class. I want to be able to take them on vacations and show them the world but we can’t. I want the partnership that some people have in a co-parenting relationship, someone to say “I got it” when I can’t.

I hate the nights that both of them have a rehearsal or practice and one has to outweigh the other because I can’t be at both. Then there’s that thing I hate even more than those nights, it’s the times when my children have all these activities they want to be a part of but I have to watch them cry and choose which one they want to do the most because mama’s a single parent/ college student/ self-employed person who just doesn’t have the time to devote to a relationship because like them I always have to choose and messages go without replies. It’s hard. It could be easier with that partnership but who the f**k has the time??

Just a thought… didn’t want it to get put in the pile.

I was almost lost…

2017… it almost killed me. I almost gave up. There’s two days left, we hit the 100 hour mark and I am happier than I have been all year. I have smiled more in the last 100 hours than I have all year. I haven’t slept anymore than I usually do but the hours have passed too fast where they once crept.

I have been riding that euphoric high a person gives you when your soul connects with another. A mix between finally returning home after a horrible trip and the feeling in your gut once the roller-coaster makes that huge drop after climbing to the top of the tracks. Breathtakingly beautiful yet horrifying.

But I almost didn’t get home, I almost gave up.

I didn’t think I would make it to see the end of the year but I kept getting back up for my children. This was the worst year of my life but I couldn’t leave them. I have seen what it does to the ones that are left. I started to see it in their eyes, the depression and horrible shit I had been shielding them from was starting to become noticeable. They started asking me if I was okay and giving me extra kisses at bedtime.

That might all seem normal but a mother knows when her child becomes aware of something you try so hard to protect them from. Sometimes it happens no matter how hard we try. The world tends to seep through the cracks, stealing a tiny portion of our innocence each time.

I don’t have a New Year’s resolution. I just want to have more better days in 2018. More days spent in the sunshine with my children, I have spent 2017 in the dark. It was a melancholy year.

I want to ride this roller-coaster as long as I can and not worry about the what-ifs. I want my shoulders to bend when the world creeps in so I can allow more stuff to roll off, the weight of her hands can be so heavy. I want to be happy again, I am envious of the person I once was, before 2017.

Drug of Choice

Okay let’s be real, most of us have had more than one sexual experience. I mean we are human and humans are sexual beings.  Not to mention you have about the same chances of winning the lottery as you do of finding an adult that is still a virgin, and no, the odds are not in your favor.

 

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via ia.media-imdb.com

 

Different sexual experiences always result in different connections we can have to others or the lack of. No person will ever feel the same as the last. Either way you felt something! There’s different levels to this shit, man.

I am twenty-eight years old and last night I had my first feeling of intensity. Not in terms of an intense orgasm but an intense sensual connection. Just touching his skin and kissing him in the simplest way was the most euphoric feeling I have ever experienced. It was terrifying yet cosmic. I could use a hundred words to describe it but not a single one or a combination of them all would be able to appropriately describe the feeling I am trying to convey in my writing.

I met him in the fourth grade. He moved here from Memphis, TN. I was no longer the best math student in our class, I despised him. Even at that young elementary school age I admired his confidence and his desire to learn. He was the genius kid and is now by far the most intelligent man I have known. His thirst for knowledge is never quenched. Conversations are never dull with him. The only time we are at a loss for words is when that feeling hits, euphoria.

This man is confident in who he is, he has worked hard and knows his shit yet grounded and humble. He is the stranger that feels like home in a crowded room. He is charismatic yet approachable and always wears a smile that will become your favorite drug. He is the type of person that so easily locks eyes with you every time he speaks to you because even in that way he is equally confident and comforting.

We will say ten, that was the age when I saw that spiky haired math wiz for the first time. We were in Mrs. Davidson’s class and he was the new kid answering math questions faster than I could raise my hand. Last night, 18 years later, he came to my apartment to show me how to do a job that I am drowning, I mean training for. The math wiz went to college for numbers and stocks and I am currently getting my bachelor’s in English and after that Law School.

I realized that numbers weren’t my thing but he has always had a way of making them sound amazing. I need proof, facts, something I can show to support and argument, I am an English major. He understands stock markets, economy, transparency in terms of money. I am not even sure if that is how I should word that but says to forget the word cryptocurrency because it builds a wall between me and my ability to understand the world of digital money.

We made it 18 years without the first kiss or skin-to-skin contact. We made it through our awkward years, bad relationships, highschool graduation, hardships and becoming single parents. Out brothers were even best friends, they died a year apart almost to the day, might have been exactly a year. I don’t know for sure and I don’t ask questions because I know how it feels when people bring up my brother’s death. Point is, he has always been a part of my life in some way but last night was the fist time we actually touched. He has always been right there in front of me but I don’t think either one of us thought about actually trying until this year.

It’s like when you’re sick and you google the symptoms. The feeling was so intense that I had to pull out my Macbook today and research it to see if anyone else had felt it. I mean I could tell he did, I didn’t have to ask. If there could have been a visual to represent the connection the sparks would have burned a city down. There was sexual tension. His kiss makes my body shiver with passion. He’s the kind of drug you can’t quit, you go to rehab but your urge to feel that high again never subsides.

I have a thing where I ask people what their favorite book is or one they recommend. I always read whatever book it is because it can tell you a lot about someone. He sat down on my bed that first night, running his fingers over the stacks of books from various authors and completed college courses piled high against one wall in my room and asked me if I had ever read Mark Danielewski’s novel House of Leaves. I didn’t even have to ask for his recommendation, which is an amazing one by the way. He walked in the second night and laid the novel on my bed.

Bad at Love

Dating in 2017 has been the absolute worst experience. I told myself on January 1 that i needed to run, run fast in the other direction but I was like oh well fuck it and I was late to work twice that day because of him. Yes, twice but it wasn’t all his fault, it was like being in love for the first time all over again. I should have never climbed in that back seat.

Since that day, I have been to court numerous times, lost my job, been robbed by a “friend,” lost another job from going to court, homeless for a short time period, unemployed since June, one boyfriend “cat-fished” me and then proposed to his long-time girlfriend with my ring, and another one had more girlfriends than Hugh Hefner himself and a baby on the way. When I say he had one on the way I mean it is December 11, 2017, and she is due in less than two months.Not only that but she lives within walking distance of me!

I have managed to dog whistle every POS within a forty mile radius of me, just in 2017. Needless to say that isn’t everything, I have plenty of shitbag stories to share but I am just happy that they are only stories and those shit bags are all in the past. One good thing is that through all of the lies, the betrayal, and a few orgasms is that I am learning more about me and who I am.

So my advice and outlook from dating every type of guy out there except a good one is to know yourself. Knowing who you are is numero uno on the priority list. This will allow you to avoid the year of hazing I have been going through because instead of climbing in the back seat and being late for work twice you will have already ran far far away. To know yourself is to know what you’re looking for in a partner and what you want to stay away from. This will not only benefit you in your dating life but every aspect of your life from friendships to career path. So get to know YOU and get YOUR shit together, once you do that you will win him over, him being the one that will complete you power team, celebrate your accomplishments with you, love your flaws because he will love you down to your core, and wipe your tears but never be the cause of them.