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Veto Power In Poly Relationships

veto power in Poly relationships

I was listening to a podcast this morning by Poly Weekly called When your partner is dating a drama queen. The podcast discusses a polyamorous couple and their agreement on their primary right to practice the veto power over their partner’s partner. The veto power in poly relationships can cause a lot of tension and stress. Since day one of my journey into poly dating, relationship hierarchy and veto power have both been major concerns of mine.

Vee’s & T’s

Some three person poly relationships have metamours. A metamour is  your partner’s partner. This kind of three person relationship would be considered a Vee. Polyamorous vee relationships are different from our poly triad relationship. Vee poly relationships consist of three people like triads but your partners aren’t romantically involved with each other. In a triad relationship all three are romantically involved with each other. Like my triad relationship with Brain and Liz.

Both types of poly relationships, vees and triads, might have primary/secondary relationships when you are involved with partners that have been with each other for some time. Especially with being in a triad relationship where Brian and Liz have twenty years together prior to me. Twenty years together makes it kind of hard not to have some primary/secondary hierarchy.

Don’t get me wrong. Compersion is still completely present. I love how they love each other in such a rare and beautiful way. I just don’t like the feeling of being so removable from the equation.

Cali Roots

My relationship with them is new. We are learning what works and establishing boundaries. Their’s has the roots of a Cali Redwood tree, completely beautiful and firmly planted. I am still processing it all and figuring out my place. My place with her, my place with him, and my place with them.  I like security. I like knowing I have a place. So them having veto power can be extremely intimidating for me.

Today a fear of mine resurfaced, maybe it’s an insecurity. The fear of not having a steady foundation, being removable, having weak roots. The dreaded veto power that can arise with primary/secondary relationship hierarchy. I say dreaded because I am on the non-deciding side of this veto gavel. I’m sure it feels a little  more reassuring to be the one with the veto power. That would mean I had firmly planted roots. In terms of stability and relationship equality, the veto power feels a little more like someone planted a Charlie Brown Christmas tree beside the two cali redwoods. There’s a slight difference. Poor Charlie Brown.

Drama Queen

The podcast just made me thing about things that hadn’t really crossed my mind before. Which is a good thing. Scary but good. Especially since we have kids. I don’t want our place in their life to be considered secondary. I don’t want it to come down to a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. The veto power seems to create separation within a polyamorous couple before there’s even a call to action. Or maybe I am just being a drama queen.

More Poly Blogs: Along Came Poly

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Poly Doesn’t Mean Fuck Fest or Threesomes

Every time I talk about my polyamorous relationship with my friends they always asks about threesomes. For some reason they relate me being in a triad relationship to meaning that I am always having a threesome. That’s not true. Not completely. Of course the sex is a major bonus but it’s so much more than just threesomes and sex. Poly doesn’t mean fuck-fest and threesomes.

‘Mono’ Style

Not to mention we have one-on-one sex too. I have even read about some polyamorous couples that only have sex with one partner while still openly dating others. People can have polyamorous relationships where they connect with more than one person on an emotional level and have one sexual partner. There’s no rule book or Poly laws to follow. Not that I have seen at least. Like I said, poly doesn’t mean fuck fest and triad doesn’t stand for threesomes.

Well it could but I’m talking about my triad relationship. Even when it is the three of us in bed it’s an equally balanced intense desire that is shared. A connection that I have only had with them. My two favorite people. To call that a threesome would seem like I am chalking it up to a kink or a hookup.

You Mentioned Threesomes

Now that I am thinking about threesomes though… I do have to say that I never realized how enjoyable it would be to see my boyfriend having sex with my girlfriend. Maybe it’s how she looks directly into my eyes while he bends her over on top of me. I usually don’t like eye contact during sex but even the thought of her looking into my eyes like that turns me on. Makes me want to make that drive up there just to spend time with her. Maybe it’s the combination of eye contact with her and the way that Brian and I intertwine our fingers as we grip her hips in the same place.

Yin to My Yang

I’ve never experienced the feeling of compersion until meeting them. It’s nice. I admire how they love each other. To share this intense desire for one another and to be able to love them equally. To be able to talk to Brian about all of the things Liz does that we both love. Cussing has never been so fucking cute until I met her. She is the yin to my yang…cheesy as fuck but true. We are exactly alike in so many ways but opposite in some ways too. She tends to be sweeter than me and completely adorable in the sexiest way possible. Both of us are extremely shy and quiet at first but sex crazed for each other.

Liz is the woman I have been saying for years that I would end up with. Her hair color, her sense of humor, us being the same height, her personality and sex drive. She is everything I have ever said I wanted and would never let go of if I found it in a woman. It’s like I wrote it all down and all the words and pages came to life. She is more than I imagined though. She’s inspiring, compassionate, intelligent, funny, beautiful and sexy as fuck!!! The more I type about her the more I want to drive up there to see her. Now I am just thinking about humping Liz. I can’t remember the point I was going for when I started this post. Something about it not only being about threesomes and now I’m thinking about sex with my girlfriend.

O.M.G

I remember my first sexual experience. My first O. It was with a girl and O.M.G. I was hooked from there. It started with an innocent game of I’ll show you mine if you show me your’s. But why look and not touch? So of course we did, just a little tickle. Then we thought hey, we should see what they feel like against each other. Ever since then it has been by far my favorite thing to do. Clothes on and all. It is the most innocent kind of sexual act to happen with me and Liz. She called it ‘getting all high school’ when it happened with us last weekend. Even with our clothes on it’s still a one of a kind orgasm for me. My favorite. One that is ten times better when it involves my body against her’s.

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Poly Trips

This time last week I was getting ready to take my poly trip to meet Brian and LizAll the different emotions I was felling made the drive feel like I was on a rollercoaster the entire way up there. It was my first poly date.

Actually a double first poly date.I was completely frantic. I wasn’t just going on my first poly date with one of them but both. First dates are already intimidating to me and I usually find some way out of them at the last minute. This one was a triple threat to me. I had three first dates. It was my first poly date, my first date with Liz, and my first date with Brian. On top of that I drove three hours up there to meet them so that would have been a long drive just to abort mission and go back home.

I was nervous like I was Fergie going up for my second attempt at singing the national anthem. Just messy. 

This time around is different though. This is the second time I am getting ready to make the drive to them.  But now I am excited and cannot wait to get there. Just thinking about it makes me blush.

I can’t wait to see them in person and spend time with them. To be able to actually touch them and kiss them both.  I love talking everyday but this three-hour drive is not about  go by quick enough for me tomorrow. I will pass the time by listening to poly podcasts again probably.

The plan was originally to surprise Liz by coming up tomorrow but Brian got a little excited and let it slip…within thirty minutes. I couldn’t help but laugh. And make note of the fact that he can’t keep a secret. I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all though.

 

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