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Veto Power In Poly Relationships

veto power in Poly relationships

I was listening to a podcast this morning by Poly Weekly called When your partner is dating a drama queen. The podcast discusses a polyamorous couple and their agreement on their primary right to practice the veto power over their partner’s partner. The veto power in poly relationships can cause a lot of tension and stress. Since day one of my journey into poly dating, relationship hierarchy and veto power have both been major concerns of mine.

Vee’s & T’s

Some three person poly relationships have metamours. A metamour is  your partner’s partner. This kind of three person relationship would be considered a Vee. Polyamorous vee relationships are different from our poly triad relationship. Vee poly relationships consist of three people like triads but your partners aren’t romantically involved with each other. In a triad relationship all three are romantically involved with each other. Like my triad relationship with Brain and Liz.

Both types of poly relationships, vees and triads, might have primary/secondary relationships when you are involved with partners that have been with each other for some time. Especially with being in a triad relationship where Brian and Liz have twenty years together prior to me. Twenty years together makes it kind of hard not to have some primary/secondary hierarchy.

Don’t get me wrong. Compersion is still completely present. I love how they love each other in such a rare and beautiful way. I just don’t like the feeling of being so removable from the equation.

Cali Roots

My relationship with them is new. We are learning what works and establishing boundaries. Their’s has the roots of a Cali Redwood tree, completely beautiful and firmly planted. I am still processing it all and figuring out my place. My place with her, my place with him, and my place with them.  I like security. I like knowing I have a place. So them having veto power can be extremely intimidating for me.

Today a fear of mine resurfaced, maybe it’s an insecurity. The fear of not having a steady foundation, being removable, having weak roots. The dreaded veto power that can arise with primary/secondary relationship hierarchy. I say dreaded because I am on the non-deciding side of this veto gavel. I’m sure it feels a little  more reassuring to be the one with the veto power. That would mean I had firmly planted roots. In terms of stability and relationship equality, the veto power feels a little more like someone planted a Charlie Brown Christmas tree beside the two cali redwoods. There’s a slight difference. Poor Charlie Brown.

Drama Queen

The podcast just made me thing about things that hadn’t really crossed my mind before. Which is a good thing. Scary but good. Especially since we have kids. I don’t want our place in their life to be considered secondary. I don’t want it to come down to a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. The veto power seems to create separation within a polyamorous couple before there’s even a call to action. Or maybe I am just being a drama queen.

More Poly Blogs: Along Came Poly

To listen to the podcast you can subscribe on iTunes:

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Poly Doesn’t Mean Fuck Fest or Threesomes

Every time I talk about my polyamorous relationship with my friends they always asks about threesomes. For some reason they relate me being in a triad relationship to meaning that I am always having a threesome. That’s not true. Not completely. Of course the sex is a major bonus but it’s so much more than just threesomes and sex. Poly doesn’t mean fuck-fest and threesomes.

‘Mono’ Style

Not to mention we have one-on-one sex too. I have even read about some polyamorous couples that only have sex with one partner while still openly dating others. People can have polyamorous relationships where they connect with more than one person on an emotional level and have one sexual partner. There’s no rule book or Poly laws to follow. Not that I have seen at least. Like I said, poly doesn’t mean fuck fest and triad doesn’t stand for threesomes.

Well it could but I’m talking about my triad relationship. Even when it is the three of us in bed it’s an equally balanced intense desire that is shared. A connection that I have only had with them. My two favorite people. To call that a threesome would seem like I am chalking it up to a kink or a hookup.

You Mentioned Threesomes

Now that I am thinking about threesomes though… I do have to say that I never realized how enjoyable it would be to see my boyfriend having sex with my girlfriend. Maybe it’s how she looks directly into my eyes while he bends her over on top of me. I usually don’t like eye contact during sex but even the thought of her looking into my eyes like that turns me on. Makes me want to make that drive up there just to spend time with her. Maybe it’s the combination of eye contact with her and the way that Brian and I intertwine our fingers as we grip her hips in the same place.

Yin to My Yang

I’ve never experienced the feeling of compersion until meeting them. It’s nice. I admire how they love each other. To share this intense desire for one another and to be able to love them equally. To be able to talk to Brian about all of the things Liz does that we both love. Cussing has never been so fucking cute until I met her. She is the yin to my yang…cheesy as fuck but true. We are exactly alike in so many ways but opposite in some ways too. She tends to be sweeter than me and completely adorable in the sexiest way possible. Both of us are extremely shy and quiet at first but sex crazed for each other.

Liz is the woman I have been saying for years that I would end up with. Her hair color, her sense of humor, us being the same height, her personality and sex drive. She is everything I have ever said I wanted and would never let go of if I found it in a woman. It’s like I wrote it all down and all the words and pages came to life. She is more than I imagined though. She’s inspiring, compassionate, intelligent, funny, beautiful and sexy as fuck!!! The more I type about her the more I want to drive up there to see her. Now I am just thinking about humping Liz. I can’t remember the point I was going for when I started this post. Something about it not only being about threesomes and now I’m thinking about sex with my girlfriend.

O.M.G

I remember my first sexual experience. My first O. It was with a girl and O.M.G. I was hooked from there. It started with an innocent game of I’ll show you mine if you show me your’s. But why look and not touch? So of course we did, just a little tickle. Then we thought hey, we should see what they feel like against each other. Ever since then it has been by far my favorite thing to do. Clothes on and all. It is the most innocent kind of sexual act to happen with me and Liz. She called it ‘getting all high school’ when it happened with us last weekend. Even with our clothes on it’s still a one of a kind orgasm for me. My favorite. One that is ten times better when it involves my body against her’s.

Another ‘Poly Dating’ Blog

Our Polyamorous Triad

Polyamorous relationships are still new to a lot of people. Most people outside of the poly community  don’t understand what it really means. Like monogamous ones, our polyamorous relationship has boundaries and expectations that partners will stay honest to their commitments.

Every relationship has boundaries. No one said they all have to be the same. It’s just whatever works for you and the ones you love. There’s really no perfect ‘how to’ reference on how to model any relationship.

I don’t think it’s possible to go through life and never feel the slightest bit of jealousy. Even if you’re not a “jealous person” its still bound to happen at some point in your life. Even on some subconscious  level.

But what about in a triad poly relationship? Not in the relationship but outside of it. Is that okay? Feels like a contradiction.

Brian and I have called each other out on it twice already. I don’t even remember the topic we were on when it happened but it is a little confusing to me. I mean this is my first poly relationship.

I’ve never thought much about jealousy unless someone was outrageously jealous. I mean come on… in monogamous relationships you sort of expect your partner not to show certain levels of affection to other ppl. Hints the monogamous part, it still astonishes some people. So if someone is getting jealous about their partner’s ‘not so committed actions’ it’s not really a thing you have to stop and question yourself about.

I’m sure someone will read this and say but how can you be jealous when you’re in a poly relationship?

Yes, I’m in a polyamorous relationship. Our’s is a triad relationship not open polyamorous relationship, they are different. I don’t feel any jealousy between the three of us at all.

Some people date openly, some people date separately, and some date other people together. Sure that’s true for us too but within the three of us. This triad is also long distance and I can only visit for a limited amount of time when I do go so right now it is mostly the three of us. Once circumstances change we will do more stuff separately.

I just don’t think I could handle adding people into this relationship. Dating others others outside of the three of us seems so different than what we have. Like these are my people, two of my favorite at that, and I don’t want to share. We are human and damn it we feel shit we have no control over. These emotions also feel like I’m contradicting myself. Maybe it only makes sense because Brian has spoken in his ‘not so jealous’ voice a time or two also. So I don’t feel so bad about it when I do it.

Yes our polyamorous relationship is a triad. That doesn’t mean we can’t have boundaries and commitments that we deem suitable for our relationship. Some people can handle open polyamorous and I’m not saying I can’t or that I see anything wrong with it. I’m just saying… My ‘not so jealous’ subconscious feels like it might not be comfortable having that sort of polyamorous relationship.

Poly Trips

This time last week I was getting ready to take my poly trip to meet Brian and LizAll the different emotions I was felling made the drive feel like I was on a rollercoaster the entire way up there. It was my first poly date.

Actually a double first poly date.I was completely frantic. I wasn’t just going on my first poly date with one of them but both. First dates are already intimidating to me and I usually find some way out of them at the last minute. This one was a triple threat to me. I had three first dates. It was my first poly date, my first date with Liz, and my first date with Brian. On top of that I drove three hours up there to meet them so that would have been a long drive just to abort mission and go back home.

I was nervous like I was Fergie going up for my second attempt at singing the national anthem. Just messy. 

This time around is different though. This is the second time I am getting ready to make the drive to them.  But now I am excited and cannot wait to get there. Just thinking about it makes me blush.

I can’t wait to see them in person and spend time with them. To be able to actually touch them and kiss them both.  I love talking everyday but this three-hour drive is not about  go by quick enough for me tomorrow. I will pass the time by listening to poly podcasts again probably.

The plan was originally to surprise Liz by coming up tomorrow but Brian got a little excited and let it slip…within thirty minutes. I couldn’t help but laugh. And make note of the fact that he can’t keep a secret. I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all though.

 

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Poly Dating

Poly Dating

Poly dating is by far the best dating experience I have ever had. Having such an amazing experience with poly dating is mostly due to how absolutely fucking amazing Brian and Liz both are.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory

Both individually and their strengths as a couple with 20 years under them. The two of them have been so understanding and accommodating to me with this being my first poly relationship. It’s not their first experience with poly dating. It is still a learning experience for all three of us to see what works for everyone. Every relationship is different.

Monogamy

Poly dating has been completely different from any relationship or dating experience I have had before. I mean yeah obviously because they were all ‘monogamous’ but for other reasons than just that.

Before my journey started with poly dating I had never thought to stop and read a book on monogamous dating or ask different questions about the other person’s dating expectations before any sort of relationship had even really started. I just kind of went with the flow, almost always choosing what seemed to be the shittiest person that was sort of available, had a little bit of fun and then started the search over again.

But my experience with polyamorous dating has been so different. It has been better than any experience I have ever had and one that is a constant journey full of learning and self enlightenment. The relationships seem more supportive and couple eager to learn together.

 Poly Olive

The poly community has so many people who are willing to take the time to learn about what it really means to be in a polyamorous relationship. People want to learn what works and doesn’t work.  Maybe that’s one reason why my past relationships never worked. So many of them did not know what the term ‘monogamous’ meant…

Poly dating is not a ‘new thing’ but it’s still not perceived in a positive light by a majority of the population. It’s like when Olive first meets Elizabeth and William and she’s reserved at first. Then this happens and she wears that outfit with those accessories. Next thing we know there’s this confident Olive and her polyamorous lovers.

First Impressions

When I first met Liz I was a little sad when she told me she was married. This is only because of the online dating world’s over population in people who are only seeking a threesome. I’m talking about those people that approach you like you are a shelved sex toy waiting to be tossed back and forth between a husband and a wife twice your age. It even took me a few days to reply and actually have a conversation about what she was wanting. To think that I almost missed this chance… wow… let’s not even.

I have talked to both of them everyday since that night and can’t imagine a day without either one of them. I have said it before but these two really are perfect. Not perfect because they are flawless but like they were made to be a set of three and we have all been looking for each other in the wrong people. To meet two people equally intelligent, funny, and sexually adventurous is the most exciting and relaxing feeling I have ever experienced.

Poly Olive

They give me so much to look forward to. I love that both of them are so willing to learn and grow together as this companionship progresses. So many relationships fail because people get stuck in their ways and refuse to make changes that are sometimes necessary in relationships.

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory

To have people who love you in such a beautiful way and also want to help you grow mentally and grow with you is astounding. We are always sharing something with each other that we thought was notable from a book or online article poly dating. That’s one of my favorite things about them.

The past couple days I have had people messaging me about our relationship and saying such positive things. To have a person say our journey has given them hope is inspiring and makes my heart happier than I can put into words.

Lasso of Truth

I am waiting for court to start and I already have a migraine. Truth doesn’t seem to matter to anyone here. The past few months have made me realize how fucked up the corporate world is. It has also made me realize that I hope to avoid ever working for a big corporation again.

You would like to think that the work you do means something, to someone other than yourself. If you put in effort and work hard you would think that you are not the only one that can see value in your work. Well, not only your work but also you as a person.

I mean we work to live. Some live to work. Only some people value the working class as real people though.

Damn it, Karl. Everyone really is expendable.

As I sit here listening to bullshit from the opposing lawyers I can’t help but think about the other night when I went to visit Brian and Liz. I loved being there with them watching Professor Marston and The WonderWomen. Which, by the way is completely fucking amazing movie and a beautiful love story. I highly recommend everyone watching it, especially those in a polyamorous relationship.

My mind keeps going back to Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth.

I mean how amazing it would be to have the Lasso of Truth for one hour so these dirty suits would be forced to tell the truth. To have to admit that they have done some foul shit.

Who am I kidding though, neither of these things are about to happen, Marxism at its finest.

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Via: Movie Quotes

Along Came Poly

So I have always had this idea of what my future would be like. I’m talking about my ideal relationship. And for a long time I didn’t realize that my ideal future was poly. It really wasn’t until about a year ago that I learned about polyamorous relationships.

For me, my ideal relationship means waking up next to the loves of my life, two to be exact.

Sure, I have tried having monogamous relationships. I have dated women and men separately and I enjoyed it but there has always been something missing. I have always wanted something more. More passion, more sex, more conversation, more trust, more emotion, more of something.

Since as far back as I can remember I have always said I would love nothing more than to wake up with a man on one side and a woman on the other. And most people think threesome like my past relationships, no.

Before I even knew what polyamory was I wanted it. I wanted a companionship with both a man and woman who could equally love each other and me as much as I loved them.

Men and women love in very different ways. They have things the other doesn’t. I enjoy both and want both in my life. That’s why I say my ideal future is poly.

A polyamorous relationship provides a balance I want in life and out of love. It allows you to be loved in ways that only a man and only a woman are able to love, both with their unique qualities.

I have always wanted it and even tried to have this sort of companionship before in previous relationships but they were failed attempts or guys that just wanted to have a threesome. It has never been about that for me. I mean some people prefer the more open style dating, nothing wrong with that. Do you boo..

What I want for myself and my future is more than threesomes, hookups, or one-sided monogamy, meaningless dating. I want a companionship.

I met her online, something I never thought I would do because I am just way to shy and him not long after. They both are a shockingly amazing, brilliant, funny, sexy, and both fit the description I had for ideal partners. They are the love and balance I have always wanted.

I am going to see them this weekend and I am nervous as fuck but also can’t wait. Kind of thinking it’s going to be a long ass drive up there and then I’m going to be like of fuck I’m here and get nervous again. I am ready to be there though. I might not want to leave but they say that’s okay. They seem to be truly authentic people.

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It’s Never The Right Time

The world looks different at times. It looks different when you’re about to lose the person you love most. The one truly good person you have ever known. It’s never the right time.

It’s like living in a parallel universe.

Time moves too fast because you want more of it with them. You don’t want them to go.  Pain seems to slow time down, drag it out, make it creep along. I see her hurting so much that it is painful to watch in the sense that every ounce of me wants to hurt for her, take the pain so they don’t have to feel it. But I can’t. 

It’s crazy how much has happened this week that was happening a year ago. A year ago doctor’s said she had two months to live.

She is SO strong.

Even on her most painful days, she is still making jokes, trying to make everyone smile. I get my sense of humor from her, she is hilarious.

I look at her as the knots build in my throat to the point that it hurts to breathe and she says “what’s wrong baby”. We both know. Instead of talking about it I just lay down beside her in her hospital bed and watch trashy cable tv.

My children love her so beautifully.

My daughter comes in the door, goes straight to her for a kiss and a “hey Felicia“. Nanny always gets so tickled and responds with a “hey Felicia” and giggles every time. My son always asks to stop and pick a flower on the way to her house. He walks in after Felicia and gives Nanny the flower he picked, hugging her and telling her how pretty she looks that day.

The knots fill my throat like it’s the first time all over again.

This is something he wants to do to show his love for her, his own idea. At eight years old he has seen the way the chemo has stolen the physical identity that was his grandmother. So he reminds her that she is still that same beautiful woman we all love so dearly. She smiles every time.

As soon as they turn around to sit by her bed to watch tv with her you can see the worry in her eyes again. She has never shown fear in front of any of us. Between her kids and grandchildren there’s almost 90 of us, maybe more. Who knows what some of us have done.

In a parallel universe she would leave differently.  Probably while she was sleeping, slipping away in the middle of the night, painlessly.

Can I call you?

I am so tired of people and their negative mindsets. It’s exhausting.

I cannot understand why it is so wrong for me to want changes and to want to do something to make those changes happen. I’m only one person not a genie and while I might not make a huge difference in comparison to the problem the effort of more people would. If you have the chance to keep bad shit from happening to you, the next person, or numerous people, would you not do something about it?

I know some things cant be prevented because there will always be those people who are just pure shit and don’t give a fuck about hurting others. Why not do something to help reduce the chances of that happening though? We can’t breed the evil out of people but they can be held accountable.

When I say something about change I always get the response like “that’s just the way things are” or “you should focus on your own life, that’s not our responsibility”.  I can either do something positive and hope to plant seeds of change or throw my hands up and do nothing, either way there is a ripple effect.

Things are so fucked because no one is made to take responsibility and hardly anyone cares enough to make shit happen. Yes, there are more people demanding change now than ever before but it seems more secluded than widespread. Twice I have had cops tell me that “there’s two sides to every story” and “he said he didn’t do it”.  Isn’t that what all criminals say? Jackass made it clear that only one mattered and it wasn’t mine

After what happened a year ago and the way it was handled I decided I wanted to become a lawyer instead of getting my PhD in English. But here lately I have started to question my future plans of Law School. After a second incident and again cops that did nothing,  I started to wonder what is the point in going to school to become a lawyer and spend my life fighting to help victims get the justice they deserve if the system will never allow it.

Not only would I be fighting a constant losing battle in a system originally constructed for justice, but I would also never be a successful lawyer regardless of how good I actually was.

I would so be good.

But second guessing my plans is unfair. I’m not expecting everyone to agree with the changes I hope for and I’m not saying anyone has to fight for them with me. But it could be handled so much differently than it is now. I want to see changes that will reduce the rate of sexual assault cases and changes to the way they are handled by the justice system.

It seems like the first step might be to reevaluate the people I surround myself with by starting with those that have to vocalize how ridiculous they think it all is. These are the ones that don’t see the power of each person’s effort and how it all can lead to change. These people also don’t see how their “that’s just the way things are” attitude is keeping these changes from happening.

The first blog I saw this morning was someone who was giving up and wanted to kill himself. I immediately commented on it along with so many others.  I could have kept scrolling cause honestly I don’t know the person and don’t get on here much so I wouldn’t have known either way. The result would have no effect on me, but if everyone kept scrolling and said nothing…

But me not knowing him didn’t stop me from commenting because when something bad is about to happen you do what you can to prevent it no matter how small the effort might seem to others.

I don’t know you but I’m glad you’re still here.

Stuck On Replay

It’s like my life is stuck on replay.This nightmare that I keep having. Only it’s not a nightmare because I’m not asleep and the douche bags are actual men.

Douche Numero Uno

Almost a year ago today I was sexually assaulted by someone I trusted. Someone I valued as a friend and fellow scholar. The first person I wanted to call was Mr. International but I didn’t. I cried, asked why, put my uniform on and went to work. My boss was a 24-year-old douche bag with a stuttering problem that made him sound like he was always deep throating something. He didn’t like me because I would tell him no instead of doing exactly what the little prick said.

My ability to say no is the same reason my ex said he assaulted me. Because to him, like the 24-year-old deep throating manager, being a female meant that you should do as you’re told.

So, I sent a message to Mr. International once I got to work. I worked a double that day to avoid reality.

When I left for work that morning, the ex was exhausted and sleeping like a baby; being a narcissistic, chauvinist asshole coupled with being a rapist can take a lot out of someone…

Fast forward a year later, I have met some really great people, a couple to be exactly. They are genuinely good people and absolutely perfect in my eyes because of the similarities. I also think they are a little crazy because they think the same about me but that doesn’t keep the smiles at bay.

Fast Forward

Things have been getting better. I have even been sleeping better at night if I don’t stay up talking to him all night, she goes to bed earlier than us. I’m usually not much for talking on the phone but can talk to him for hours. We talk a lot about how insanely adorable she is, I’m getting off track, point is things have been better, finally.

Today, three days before the year mark of what my shit bag ex considers a life lesson, I had a stranger open the door to my bathroom as I was getting in the shower. Not a complete stranger in the sense that he works for the state as a housing inspector and has a key to all of the apartments. So, again, there was a certain level of trust because his job is to check the condition of the apartment, the foundation itself and check for needed repairs. His job involves a levels of trust when given the role and a key to numerous apartments.

Douche Numero Dos

His job requirements don’t involve him to go in unannounced and cause the tenant physical and emotional harm, helping himself to her body.  I mean, the state of Tennessee has determined him fit for entering a tenant’s residence to inspect and ensure safe living conditions. No one wants to feel unsafe in their home.

I had just started the shower to get the water hot and was brushing my teeth when the door started moving. There is not a lock on my bathroom door but there is one on the front door of my apartment. I didn’t give him permission to come in and never invited him in. To him, he didn’t need permission to enter and to both of us, I was home alone.

The way he was trying to creep his head in the doorway told me this was not the first time he did something like this. The douche fully expected me to be in the shower. I should have slammed his demented head in the door. But, that would “technically” be me causing physical harm.

So here it is, again. My life stuck on replay. All these emotions coming back I had a year ago. Mostly anger over the lack of justice.

Stuck On Replay

Just like my ex, he entered uninvited. I called housing authority immediately. They replied like my old employer saying they would “see what they could do for me”. Basically telling me be a good girl and stay quiet while they figure out what their story will be. But they didn’t mention doing something about him and what he had done.

I also called the cops and thanks to our justice system’s extremely poor case handling when it comes to shit like this, crimes against women and their vagina, he did not even know what to tell me because there wasn’t any physical harm done. His hands were up in the air, go figure.  The cop could not even tell me what law had been broken since “he didn’t actually touch me”.  I am not even comfortable enough to let the person I date see me fully naked and since the State of Tennessee deems this perv bastard fit enough to have a key he “technically did not break in”.

There is always a reason they get away with it, a person that cranks or twists a law or two in favor of the perverted, a way to justify the lack of justice, a reason to continue treating women like weaker, inferior beings by completely disregarding a woman’s right to say who sees, touches, or enters her own body. But there is never anything done to him

Brian was the first person I called. Then, just like a year ago I text Mr. International crying about what had happened. But what would have happened if I was in the shower, if I didn’t see him opening the door, then what?