Anonymous

Pearl

I logged on the other day to write this and first things first, I checked The Daily Prompt. I always check the prompts before blogging to see what the word of the day is and maybe scroll through my social media accounts to see what airdrops and bounty programs are popping off and hopefully dodge all of the bad ones. Who am I kidding though, I get lost in the drops and before I know it three hours have passed and I have entered into ten more bounty programs.

What’s worse than a bad habit? One that fuels itself. Mine is crypto and I am addicted to airdrops, bounty programs, and free cryptocurrency. My friend says I’m in too deep and there’s no chance of getting clean but he created me then left me here to go back to his ex.

Who doesn’t love free money though, am I right or am I right? Ha! And yes, I will post those links with my referral codes on my page. So do me a solid and use them, we will both benefit by getting free tokens.

Anyways, back to the topic. I was already having a difficult enough time with the subject I had originally planned to talk about. I guess because it’s something I feel so strongly about and so traumatized by but outraged at the same time because it is so openly ignored by the masses, by people I thought were friends, and by family I thought I could turn to in my dark times.

People act like it’s a burden to listen, it’s much harder to be the narrator of a story you wished to never write, much less be the victim.

Dominant” was the prompt word, ironic. I say ironic because my initial post was about rape, much easier to type than it is to say. Rape, no one likes to talk about it and no one likes to hear about it. The people who fanaticize about being ‘raped’ don’t even actually want it to happen, they just want to play a role. Kind of like the people who say they will be there for you but are only play a role and after a while they won’t answer because their role doesn’t involve helping their friend who has become a depressed rape victim. Whew, I mean who am I to be such an inconvenience to those who said they would always be there for me. I guess I missed the fine print clause that stated how it was only a role to be played during happy times in one’s life…

My rambling is only avoiding the original topic, a word that my lips still can’t form without the actual word itself shapeshifting before it exits my mouth. It always comes out as ‘he sexually assaulted me’ or ‘that thing he did’.

Now I’m kind of scrambling around, trying to find the right keys to form the words of what was going to be a blog on rape culture, how the justice system fails victims time after time, and my own assault case. See that, it even happens when I type. It is extremely hard trying to make a post out of something I can’t even vocalize and the people closest to me don’t want to hear. It’s not as hard to say it when the word culture follows. I guess it’s because when you say culture it pertains to everyone and not just what happened to you personally.

People act like it’s such a burden to listen, it’s much harder to be the narrator of a story you wished to never be the victim of. Like you could sit there and let me think you’re a good person and the whole time be tuning me out and not even listening. But I cannot escape the nightmares that come every night where it happens over and over.  The nightmares that keep me awake night after night.

He had the angel of death tattooed on his chest. At one point it was no longer him holding me down in the nightmares but the Angel of Death instead, hovering over my body. Both were so real, I hated sleeping. It has been a year and I still hate it.

Rape. It happens to more people than not so why do so many get away with it? It is one of the more traumatizing violent acts that can happen to a person but so many victims are ignored or silenced. We only have our bodies when we come into this world, what happens when that’s taken from us?

You have to punish people for the things they shouldn’t do or there’s no reason for people to stop doing those things. People are more fearful of it happening to them again than rapists are about what will happen when they get caught, if they even get caught.

What chance do you have of getting justice from a system that doesn’t listen to the victim’s pleas for help but instead trades Iraq war stories with the guy that assaulted you. What reason is there in giving the investigator the clothes he cut off of you in your sleep because you had said no two hours before that if they will never even be presented in a courtroom. What is the point in giving the police text messages where the guy from footwear admitted to what he did to you when he cut your clothes off if they never met the tips of a jury member’s hands.

I told him no and he didn’t listen. He said he did it because I didn’t know my place, that I was too strong. He told me he wanted to destroy something beautiful after months of looking me in my eyes and saying that he loved the way my mind worked in such beautiful ways. He didn’t deny what happened, that thing he did to me. He just forgot to include the part where I said no to his requests for sex a couple of hours before because we were then just friends and there to study for exams. He forgot to tell the investigator the part where he laughed after he was done, and the part where he told me to ‘get the fuck over it, that they are just clothes’ as he rolled over and turned his back to me and went to sleep. Rape must take a lot out of a person, he fell asleep fast.

They were not ‘just clothes’.

When he met with the investigator he told Daniel that I was ‘kinky’, which the investigator in turn shared with the DA that was in charge of presenting my case to the Grand Jury for prosecution. The DA said I must have made him think I wanted it to happen, that I must have asked for it in some way because of my ‘kinky’ desires. Silly me, I never knew the word ‘no’ had so many meanings.

Why is the statement of a rapist more valued than evidence from a rape? Why are victims punished and rapists victimized. I still can’t say the actual word and he’s still laughing about it.

This post is not meant to discourage or keep anyone from reaching out for help. It is instead meant to shed light on the cases that go unheard and the ones that are mishandled by the justice system.

There are people who will listen and resources out there that can help you.

National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE and online.rainn.org)

TIME’S UP

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